The Elfy Trio: introducng H Powtzy!
by alambil felicis
Summary: Dobby, Winky and Kreacher doing crazy stuff...written by a crazy person.
1. The Start of Madness

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_**A/n**: Freakishly bizarre. Hope you understand._

**Disclaimer: I blah do blah not blah own blah anything blah. blahblahblah. you know how the disclaiming business works so I don't need to tell you that this is a disclaimer and that I won nothing....because if I did own the whole HP series, Hedwig wouldn't have died and Snape would have a pair of very cool dark blue-colored shades and a pink bow ribboned on his greasy hair.**

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It was 2:00 in the morning, and all Hogwarts students are in their dormitories. All the house elves can rest for they all have finished cleaning the common rooms and other duties house elves should do. But Dobby was very restless and could not keep still at all. So he went up to Winky who was having a fight with Kreacher about a spoon.

**Kreacher**: Shut up, you whiny little elf. I found this spoon in the trash bin and it's mine! (mutters to himself) My precious! My precious! Mine alone!

**Winky**: (crying and holding the spoon) But I sees it first. Yesterday, I just haven't picks it up because Mr. Filch was there and I'm scared.

**Dobby**: S'up elves! Are you busy?

**Kreacher**: Indeed we are. (Turning to Winky) It's mine and mine alone! Get your filthy hands on my shiny, silver, shabby, substandard spoon! (mutters to himself) Grab the spoon from the ugly elf!

**Dobby**: (not minding the feud) Let's play a game.

**Winky**: (drops the spoon) What game?

**Kreacher**: (swiftly snatches the spoon) Sure, let's play a game.

**Dobby**: Okay, we'll play a pretend game, yo.

**Winky**: Yay! Alright, I'll pretends to be Mr. Crouch's wife.

**Kreacher**: (screwing his face) That is dementingly, down-right, darn, disgusting!

**Winky**: There's no such word as "dementingly"!

**Kreacher**: In my dictionary, there is.

**Winky**: Oh yeah? Then where's your dictomardy? I doubt it that you can read.

**Kreacher**: It's "dictionary", you ugly, unpleasant, unappealing, unacceptable nuisance!

**Winky**: Whatevers!

**Dobby**: Will you stop your bickering, yo elves….that is so uncool, man!

**Kreacher**: I'll pretend to be Master Regulus Black.

**Winky**: (mutters to herself) Yeah, you're like a stupid fangirl….more like a fan elf! (laughs hysterically)

**Kreacher**: (ignores the half-crazy Winky) So, who are you going to be Dobby?

**Winky**: Hey that rhymes! (Continues to make sounds from the throat while breathing out in short bursts or gasps as a way of expressing amusement in an uncontrollable manner and in a state of hysteria)

**Dobby**: No, no! I'd be deciding who we will be going to pretend as.

**Kreacher**: Why? You're not superior of us!

**Dobby**: Urgh! Will you just listen?

**Winky**: I'm all ears! Get it? All ears? Because I have huge ears! Yeah you have huge ears too!

**Kreacher**: Pipe it you pest!

**Winky**: (continues her insanity)

**Kreacher**: (to Dobby) Fine, you decide.

**Dobby**: Okay, I'll be Harry Potter, sir. Kreacher, you'll be Ron Weasley, and Winky, you are Hermione Granger.

**Kreacher**: Why do I get to be the blood traitor?

**Winky**: Yeah, and why are you Harry Potter?

**Dobby**: (to Winky) Because Harry Potter, sir, has green eyes, and Dobby has green eyes too, like Harry Potter, sir! Plus, Dobby is very cool and awesome like Harry Potter, sir.

**Winky**: Why do you have to say "sir" every time yous will say Harry Potter's name?

**Dobby**: Because…..er…..I dunno…..because it is so, yo!

**Winky**: "So", what?

**Kreacher**: Can we please settle down and focus ourselves in the important matter in which we should be focusing ourselves because it is the important matter! Let us now discuss the real dilemma here, and not Dobby going gaga over that good-for-nothing, ghastly, goo-goo-headed git!

**Winky**: (snorted out) Goo-goo-headed? What the Whomping Willow tree's stomata does goo-goo-headed mean?

**Kreacher**: You dim-witted, dung-brained, dopey, dunder-head dilly-dallier.

**Winky**: Hey, I knows what a dilly-dallier is, and I'm not a dilly-dallier! That's an improper use of noun!

**Kreacher**: When did you get so smart? (Mutters to himself) The wrinkly-faced Winky shouldn't get smarter than Kreacher. Kreacher is the brainiest of them all, oh yes, I am!

**Winky**: I don't know!

**Kreacher**: After that interruption, I'll now object of your decision, Dobby, about me, Kreacher, pretending to be that brainless, broke blood traitor who has a bad breath!

**Dobby**: You'll be the brainless, broke blood traitor who has a bad breath either you like it or not! (looks scary)

**Kreacher**: You're scaring me.

**Dobby**: And it's so uncool, man. I want to chillax, but you just keep on pissing me off my ice!

**Kreacher**: Okay, okay, I'll be the repugnant red-head! (mutters to himself) How I would like to burn his scalp just so I can please my mistress for she hates blood traitors, those stupid scums!

**Dobby**: Alright, let's crank things up. Winky, pretend you're Hermione.

**Winky**: Hi, I am Hermione Granger, the buck-teeth, bushy-haired know-it-all!

**Dobby**: Very good, Wink – er….Hermione. You next Kreacher, pretend you are Ron.

**Kreacher**: Hello, there folks. I am Ronald Weasley, the brainless, broke blood traitor who has a bad breath. I'm also known as the repugnant red-head.

**Dobby**: It's my turn now. Yo yo! What up, wizpeeps! This is yow main scar-head, H Powtzy! Harry Potter, sir, in the hizaus!

**Winky**: Hizaus?

**Dobby**: It means "house". (mutters to himself) Dobby really needs to stop making made-up words and start using real words.

**Winky**: Oh…

**Dobby**: Okay, you guys. We'll be puttin' some situation in 'ere! Every HP reader that exists knows that Ron is hitting on Hermione. But not everyone is particularly cool with that.

**Authoress**: Yeah, that's why some fanfic writers write Dramione pairings. I read those, by the way. Some just goes absurd and I actually make Hermione/Dudley pairings. Others, well they're pretty acceptable…and visionary. But the one shipping I have to disagree is Harry/Hermione! I mean come on…they're not meant for each other!!!

**Dobby**: Are you trippin' authoress? Harry and Hermione…together?

**Authoress**: Oh, I ain't trippin' H Powtzy.

**Dobby**: That's freakin' gross.

**Authoress**: Watch your mouth. There're maybe H/Hr writers who'll read this fanfic.

**Dobby**: (to the H/Hr shippers) Sorry y'all!

**H/Hr shippers**: Just don't say it again.

**Authoress**: Back to the story!

**Dobby**: Okay, so Kreacher, erm…Ron, you pretend you're checkin Winky out….I mean Hermione. And yow main man, H Powtzy doesn't know a thing about Ron there being captivated by Hermione's freaky beaver smile.

**Authoress**: Hey, don't say that! Hermione doesn't have a "beaver smile" anymore! Haven't you read the 4th book? Her front teeth were charmed and shrunk!

**Dobby**: Yeah, yeah, whatever! So… (Turns to Winky & Kreacher….who now badly impersonate Hermione and Ron)…we'll just ad-lib everything, ayt?

**Winky**: Ayt? What is "ayt"? I think the pirate for "yes" is "aye aye", not "ayt". Wow, we is speaking ayt now! Mr. Crouch will fall in love with me heartie!

**Kreacher**: Oh, I will certainly refuse the use of the preposterous patois of pirates!

**Dobby**: Yo! We are not talkin pirates….we are talking rapper/gangstah/hiphopper!

**Kreacher**: Fine! Let's get on with our role playing! (mutters to himself) I still have to play with the spoon.

**Dobby**: Ron, you start.

**Kreacher**: (pretending to be Ron) Oh Hermione, you are such an egghead who continues to enlighten my entire existence. How I find you irritatingly irresistible with your irksome intellectuality.

**Winky**: (pretending to be Hermione) Oh Ron, I thunk your world revolves around that giggly Lav-Lav!

**Kreacher**: Thunk? I think you meant "thought".

**Authoress**: Just get back to the storyline! Stop correcting her grammar!

**Kreacher**: But she's supposed to be pretending as Hermione! And Hermione is highly hintellectual!

**Authoress**: Hintellectual?

**Kreacher**: What? I ran out of awesome alliterations. (mutters to himself) What word is synonymous with intellectual that begins with the letter H? Think Kreacher think!

**Authoress**: Just get back to the freaking story!

**Kreacher**: (turns to the "dumb" Hermione) Oh no, my dearest darling. My wretched wonderful world revolves only around you! (mutters to himself) I think my dinner is slowly crawling upwards my elfy esophagus!

**Winky**: Oh, I loves you too!

**Dobby**: What up, wizpeeps! Hermione? Did mine ears swindle Harry Potter, sir? You love Ron?

**Winky**: Yep, and he loves me too!

**Kreacher**: Disgust as my disturbed face shows you, do not be deceived! I love Hermione and that's that! (mutters to himself) Prevent from retching Kreacher prevent!

**Dobby**: Ah! The whole world is falling apart! My two besties like each other! When they broke up, everything will never be the same way again!!!!

**Kreacher**: Worry not oh demoralized friend. For we tend not to separate from each other's affectionate, amorous amiable arms! (mutters to himself) Stand and stay steadfastly strong! Soon you will be able to play with the special shiny spoon, my precious!

**Winky**: Yeah, we loves each other as much as Snape has a great success bamboozlinging the Dark Lord.

**Kreacher**: Yes, indeed, we do. (mutters to himself) Master Regulus bamboozled the Dark Lord.

_(**Authoress**: Spoiler much…)_

**Dobby**: Whoa, too much for H Powtzy here man! When will the two of you get hitched?

**Winky**: Get hitched?

**Kreacher**: Winky, Hermione is supposed to be the smart one! And you're just being a big bulbous bother!

**Winky**: Ah—er….gah…..me!

**Kreacher**: What did you say?

**Dobby**: I think she said "Ah—er….gah…..me!"

**Kreacher**: (scoffs at the two elves' idiocy) Get hitched means get married. (mutters to himself) Soon, I will be the spoon. Just stay patient Kreacher, patient!

**Winky**: Ohhhhhh…….wha--- waits a moment! We is not planning to get married! We is not allowed! We is only house-elves! I is to be married to Mr. Crou—nothing!

**Dobby**: Hey, I thought we were pretending to be the trio, yo!

**Authoress**: Guys, wait a moment…how do house-elves reproduce?

**Kreacher**: (wide-eyed) How dare you demand for such intimate information! (mutters to himself) The impudence of that intrusive irritant!

**Authoress**: Sorry! (Sarcastic tone) I was just curious. I mean, I never thought house-elves would live with a family of their own kind. Does your kind fall in love?

**Dobby**: Yeah. (Suddenly converses with the authoress in a whisper) Look at Winky right there, drop-dead fancying Mr. Crouch!

**Authoress**: (Giggles) Anyway, back to the seemingly silly story.

**Kreacher**: (mutters to himself) I'm supposed to be the one who says those amazing alliterations!

**Dobby**: Okay….Hermione! I can't believe that Ronnykins and you are still together.

**Kreacher**: Don't…. call…. me…. Ronnykins.

**Dobby**: Have you two ever lip-locked?

**Winky**: Lip-lock?

**Kreacher**: (mutters to himself) Stupid elf. (says aloud) Snog! He is asking if we ever got a sloppy snogging session!

**Winky**: No….Mr. Crouch and I haven't snogged yet.

**Kreacher**: You dopey dim-wit! He's talking about you and I snogging!

**Winky**: Disgusting! I woulds never snog Kreacher!

**Dobby**: What? You won't snog Kreacher? Well, in my personal opinion, if I were in yow place, I would definitely snog Kreacher.

**Kreacher**: (revolted) A-are you a….a gay elf? (gasps) You are a geylf!

**Authoress**: Yo, Dobby, what the hell are you doing? I hate slashfics! You can't snog Kreacher! And I thought you were pretending to be the freaking trio!

**Dobby**: I said I would, _if_ I were in Winky's place!

**Authoress**: This fanfic doesn't make sense anymore! I'm cutting this off!

**Winky**: Wait! Can I pretend to be Mr. Crouch's wife now?

**Authoress**: No! This fic is over!

**Dobby**: Why are overing it?

**Kreacher**: There's no such word as overing! Have you becoming equally dunce as Winky the Wannabe Wife of Mr. Crouch?

**Authoress**: I am….er….."overing" it because you are not suppose to act "unstraight". You are supposed to be all gangstah-like! And Winky, stop fantasizing about Mr. Crouch! It's giving me sickening images in my head! Stop corrupting my mind!

**Dobby**: So uncool, man! You just say a word and people would start thinking you're gay! They are so prejudice.

**Winky**: Prejudice?

**Kreacher**: (mutters to himself) I did not wish to part-take in this kind of balderdash! (says aloud) Prejudice means an opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes. (mutters to himself) Dung-brains.

**Winky**: Wait, where is my spoon? I'll use it as a pretend Mr. Crouch!

**Kreacher**: (runs away waving the spoon in his hands) Never! You shall never take me and my spoon alive! Never! My precious and I!

**Dobby**: (well, he just complains about people's prejudgments)

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_**A/n**: So that's the end of my ODD fic! There are some coming up. I'll post it when I'm not busy with effing school. Please rreview...it's just stupid of me to say to "read and review" because you've already have read it. Unless you clicked my fanfc link and scrolled straight at the bottom, which is a peculiar thing to do. Sorry for making mistakes and oter unwanted matters over the fic. My imaginatio is freakishly bizzare._


	2. Xmas Special Madness

no inspiration came over me while writing this...bless me....acknowledgements for the terms goes to aravis riddle and William Shakespeare....he is not a writer here, I meant the REAL Shakespeare okay. I find Shakespearean insults rather...oh what's the right word, hmmm.....AWESOME!

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Christmas time, Christmas cheer! Christmas is here! The Hogwarts house-elves were given a day off from Hogwarts. Seriously, I think Hermione is really glad about this. But, if truth be told, the only elf who was very happy about this was Dobby. He planned a day of pure Christmas-y good fun for the rest of the day, but he had no one to spend it with. He asked Winky and Kreacher to join him in his day off.

**Kreacher**: What makes you think that I want to spend my Christmas holidays with the two of you, huh?

**Dobby**: Oh please, please, Kreacher! Please come on a day off with Dobby!

**Winky**: Dobby, what happened to you? You don't sounds gangstah-like anymore.

**Dobby**: Oh, I had bad allergy medications.

**Winky**: Allergies to what?

**Dobby**: To this *pulls out a Twilight book*. But I'ms okay now. Doctor Carl Isle Colon gave me good medications.

**Kreacher**: What's your good medications?

**Dobby**: This *pulls out a spoon*.

**Kreacher**: SPOON!!!!

**Dobby**: No! This is mine!

**Kreacher**: Curses! *dashes away towards the spoon cupboard to get a spoon*

**Winky**: Gasp! You is allergic to Twilight? But Edward is so hots! He are so sparkly—

**Kreacher**: *returning from the cupboard* And that is just gay.

**Authoress**: What have you got against gays?

**Kreacher**: Nothing! Just the sparkling, vampires type of gays.

**Winky**: Edward is not gay!!!

**Authoress**: Oi! Some readers might be fond of Twilight and maybe you are hurting their feelings.

**Kreacher**: What the hell are you talking about you giddy girl! You are the authoress of this fanfic and you worry that we are hurting their feelings?

**Authoress**: Good point. Oh wait, wait, wait!!! This is supposed to be a Christmas special chapter! Why are you three discussing about Dobby's allergies? Come on…fast forward.

*fast forwarding*

So, after a few minutes, Kreacher agreed to spend his day off with Dobby, and so did Winky too. First day off stop was at the mall. They were going Christmas shopping.

**Kreacher**: Are you just really egg-brained, or you don't realize that muggles will be noticing a trio of elves walking around this large indoor shopping complex?

**Winky**: But, aren't muggles dress like others during Christmas and ask for sweeties?

**Kreacher**: You huggermugger, that is for Halloween!

**Winky**: Oh, right.

**Dobby**: They wouldn't care at all.

**Kreacher**: Have it your way then!

The three went up to a boutique.

**Winky**: What are you buying anyway?

**Dobby**: A "Harry Potter rocks" t-shirt. How about you?

**Winky**: The whole set of Twilight Saga.

**Kreacher**: Me, a utensil used for eating or preparing food, consisting of a shallow oval bowl attached to a handle!

**Winky**: Wha?

**Kreacher**: Spoons, you beetle-headed barnacle!

**Dobby**: Ayt, let's go. Buy on!

**Winky**: Gasp! Kreacher, you is gangstah-like again!

**Dobby**: Dang it! Yo, someone took ma spoon! Kreacher, you dawg? Did you nick ma spoon?

**Kreacher**: But, it is so tempting!

**Dobby**: Gimme back ma spoon!

**Kreacher**: Fine! *gropes his pockets….wait, he has no pockets* Daisies on the meadow, the spoon is lost!

**Dobby**: Ho, SHIZZLE! I don't wanna go Christmas shoppin y'all. Ma spoon is lost, ma zone is out, ya huuuuurd???!!!

**Winky**: Oh please please, I will just buys the Twilight Saga, okay?

**Dobby**: Dash away ma li'l friend, befow I lose ma patience.

**Kreacher**: Make haste. Run as fast as your little warty legs can carry you!

A few moments later…

**Winky**: I'ms backs! Hoooooooh!!!!!

**Dobby**: Come on y'all, let's rap!

**Kreacher**: But how could we cover something up by winding or folding a pliable material such as cloth or paper around it, when we haven't got any wrapping paper with us.

**Dobby**: What the frizzle are you talkin 'bout, huh, Kreach?

**Kreacher**: Aren't we going to wrap gifts with wrapping papers?

**Dobby**: Hell no! We're going to rap! We're goin to Christmas Rock and Carol!

**Winky**: *drools* Edward Cullen….Edward Cullen….Edward Cullen….

**Dobby**: Yo Wink-a-doodles! I thought you fancied old Barty?

**Winky**: Who's Barty? *continues to drool* Edward Cullen…Edward Cullen…Edward Cullen…

**Kreacher**: Mr. Crouch you hormone-raged elf!

**Winky**: Who's Mr. Crouch?

**Kreacher**: She sounds like a fluff-brained blondie.

**Authoress**: She's Team Edward now, not Team Mr. Crouch.

**Dobby**: Whatevs! Come on peeps! We're goin' to Hogsmeade and carol!

So they went to Hogsmeade and caroled.

**Dobby**: Uh, uh, uh, uh! Yo yo yes yes yo! Yo yo yes yes yo! *he's rapping* Rudolph has a red nose, he's a reindeer. He ain't trippin'. I wanna work as a cashier. He pulls Father Christmas on his sleigh. A-jingling gifts, friggin' all the way!

**Winky**: On the first day of Christmas, Edward gave to me, a stupid shiny silver Volvo! On the second day of Christmas Edward gave to me, a trip to Italy and a stupid shiny silver Volvo. Last Christmas, I gave my heart to Mr. Crouch, but the very next day, he _Evanesco_-ed it away! This year, to save me from tears, I'm giving them to someone sparkly…Edward!

**Kreacher**: Hark how the bells, sweet silver spoons! All seems to say, give me all thy spoons! Ding dong ding dong that is my song, with joyful ring, give me all thy spoons. Falalalalalalalala, 'tis the season to give me all thy spoons!!!

The Elfy trio caroled and caroled until all the Hogsmeade villagers got annoyed and chased them out of the town. Professor Dumbledore had to come after them and save them from the angry mob.

**Authoress**: And they had a happy Christmas after that because Winky got to spend the rest of her holidays reading the Twilight Saga, Kreacher got so many spoons (the villagers threw spoons at him out of annoyance), and Dobby is now an award-winning rapstar.

_FIN_

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_the wrong grammars and spellings present in this chapter is intenionally written....thanks

reviews help my unbalanced brain


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